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Father Amaro:              

I wanted to know if you think it is possible to fall out of love with a spouse. I love my husband as a person and a friend, but I do not have those special feelings a wife should have for her husband. I no longer want to have marital relations with him, but I do it because it is my obligation. I feel that I am living a lie because I have not told him how I feel. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you think I should do? Thank you, Father. - Maria

Dear Maria,

You are not alone in this problem.  People do “fall out of love” if love is defined solely as the uplifting, exciting, blood-rushing positive feeling one receives in a relationship.  If you only knew how many people go through this same thing... AND how many people find themselves again united with their spouse by actually working on their relationship.   This is reminiscent of a song titled “Do You Love Me?”  in the musical “Fiddler of the Roof.”  The couple actually had met on their wedding day.  But they find themselves after examining their 25-year relationship that they do, in fact, love each other.

As is said in all the marriage workshops, “Love is not a feeling, it is a conviction.” Love is something that is a “decision.” It’s something that one “decides” to do freely and willingly for the other. You are unique. You are the one who can make the decision to love. But you have to decide for yourself to explore the “whys” of how your love “lost its power” for you.  So, I recommend that if you desire to work on your marriage, to seek the help of a marriage counselor to help in getting to the issues that need to be resolved between you both.  

I pray for you and your husband.  Marriage is a living symbol of Christ’s love for His Church.  As in the Letter of Ephesians points out (chapter 5, verses 32-33):  “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and His Church.”  Find out how you can make your marriage the best symbol of Christ’s love for us all by asking for spiritual help at your parish and/or seeking marriage counseling to clarify issues that blind you to your love that you had for each other at the beginning of your marriage.  May the Spirit of God guide you in seeking the answers to your questions about love itself.

God bless, Fr. Amaro 

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CATHOLICVIEW STAFF
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Dear CatholicView:

I was told that if you live together prior to getting married that you are "living in sin" and the Catholic religion does not allow you to get married in the church.  Is this true or are there ways around that in order to get married in the Catholic church? - William

Dear William:

Yes, you can “get around this” by cleaning up your act through confession and God’s forgiveness and living a chaste life until you are married.  You are living in sin.  You are committing fornication and this is a very serious matter.    Catholicism is strongly against cohabitation for it destroys the religious and spiritual aspect of family life by making people disposable.  Love does not harm the loved one; it does not keep the object of your love away from the teachings of Jesus Christ.

If you really want a Catholic Church wedding, start by seeing a priest and changing your lifestyle.  God will forgive you if you ask for it.  Start your marriage with a clean and contrite heart.  May you find the courage to get both your lives in order.   God bless you and help you to make the right decision.  - CatholicView Staff

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CatholicView:

This is a question that I have been battling with for quite some time now. I believe in abstinence until marriage and was wondering what the Catholic Church's views on oral sex are. Is it considered sex? Thank you for your help. - Kate

Dear Kate:

You are to be commended for your strength in avoiding the occasion of sin.  God will bless you for your faithfulness.

Oral sex is a sin.   Any activity such as this in which two people are engaged intimately and involving sexual contact such as this is morally wrong.  It also distorts the main purpose of the sexual act which belongs exclusively within marriage.  This is considered a grave sin.

Please check with your parish priest so you can talk at length about these things you are going through.   May the Lord bless you for doing the right thing and following the teachings of our Lord. - CatholicView Staff

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CatholicView:

What does it mean when the prayer says that "Jesus descended into hell?"  Is hell a reference to Satan or just plain death?- Glenda

Dear Glenda:

This is a reference to a scripture in 1Peter 3:19:  “In it He also went to preach to the spirits in prison (hell or hades)… Please read the scripture because it says that Jesus, after He died on the cross, freed those who were waiting to go to heaven.  These waiting souls lived in a “limbo” until Jesus freed them.  The reference then is not the HELL of the devil, or plain death.  It was a waiting place (limbo?) where those who died before Christ’s death and resurrection waited until they were taken to heaven with Christ.  This is where we got the Apostle’s Creed’s remark on Jesus going to hell.  – CatholicView Staff

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Dear CatholicView:

My father is 88 yrs old and in failing health.   He was never a "religious" person, and I believe he converted to Catholicism when he married my mother but he was never an active Catholic.  I would like to ask a priest to "visit" him but I'm not sure how he or the rest of my family would react.  I know he wants to die, but I'm worried about the state of his soul.  I feel if he could at least make a "good confession" to God, either before a priest, or on his own, God will be merciful.  But I'm scared to death to bring this suggestion up.   I pray every day for his soul, and guidance during this tough time.  Thank you and God Bless – Kathy

Dear Kathy:

It is a natural thing to worry about the people you love, especially when that person is in poor health.   If it is something so vital as the soul of your father, you want the assurance that all is well.

Unfortunately, you cannot force your father to accept something he does not want.  You can only pray for him and rely on God’s goodness.  Ask the Lord to show you what you must do to soften your father’s heart.  Keep in mind always God’s mercy and His loving kindness.

Consider going to talk to a priest in your parish for guidance in this matter.  I am sure he will find many options as to how you must proceed.  Do not delay for time is important.  May God give you the wisdom to make the right decision. – CatholicView Staff

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CatholicView:

Is it a "Mortal" or "Venial" sin if you don't go to Mass every week?  Thanks.  - Rosa

Rosa:

If a Catholic person avoids going to Sunday Mass without a reasonable reason, they commit a grave sin. A grave sin is when someone knows fully they are committing a sin and does it anyway without an excuse.

Attending Mass is an obligation in the Roman Catholicism religion.  Mass is a very important aspect.  Going to Mass and receiving the Eucharist is a testimony of belonging and of being faithful to Christ and to his Church. The faithful give witness by this to their communion in faith and charity.  Together they testify to God's holiness and their hope of salvation. They strengthen one another under the guidance of the Holy Spirit."   Now if you or a family member is sick, you need to take care of an infant, or the weather is too bad to go out, missing Mass is not a sin. – CatholicView Staff

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Dear CatholicView:

My question pertains to confession.  I feel the need to go to confession weekly as I sin weekly.  My primary sin, in my heart, is that I neglect my promises to Christ in that I allow my own desires and passions to control my life rather than His commandments.  Primarily I become intolerant of other people, become impatient with others, become prideful and fail to stay loving in my heart etc.  I am strong each morning in my prayers and my promises to Christ but as the day goes on I become egotistic.  I want to confess each Saturday before receiving the Blessed Sacrament.  but I feel that each confession will be about the same: true and full of repentence, but the same.  What should I do??  Thank you so much.  May our Lord bless you and our Lady keep you in Her prayers. - Richard

Richard:

Yours is not an uncommon problem for we all sin daily whether it is a small sin or a large sin.  The key is trying harder to keep the promises that you make to Christ after asking for forgiveness.

CCC 1458 says in essence  “Without being strictly necessary, confessing everyday faults is strongly recommended by the Church.  Indeed the regular confession helps us form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress in the life of the Spirit.   By receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father's mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as He is merciful”.

God pardons us when we ask for forgiveness and empowers us to resist sin in the future. The more we confess to our Father, the more grace we have to resist. This is an important enough reason to bring our sins to God.   So more is better.  Don’t forget God’s mercy.   May the Lord bless you.    – CatholicView Staff

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CatholicView:

My boyfriend and I are both Catholic and have been together for six years. We recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  My question is, can we baptize her in a Catholic church even though we are not married? - Dawn

Dear Dawn:

An important factor here is you do not give the reasons for your unmarried state. 

Even though you and your boyfriend are living in grave sin and therefore are not Catholics in good standing, the child CAN be baptized in the Church.  But there are guidelines and responsibilities you must follow as parents of a Catholic child.  You will need to talk to a parish priest where you will have the child baptized to find out how you must proceed in this matter.   – CatholicView Staff

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JANUARY 2005

FATHER AMARO SAUMELL
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Father Amaro:

We have a problem with a deacon at our parish. We do not have a regular priest so he is the administrator and we have visiting priests.  This deacon admits to an anger problem for many years.  He has periods of time in which he loses control and demonstrates rages.  Many have left the parish and the collections are dwindling. I myself have experienced one of his blow ups.  We have brought this to the attention of local priests and on two occasions, the diocese.   We do not get any response.  We do not want to leave our parish but currently are finding no choice because of his behavior. Is there anything else we can do?  Can you advise?  Thanks - Sandy

Dear Sandy:

I think we have to make full use of the scriptural advice from the Gospel of Matthew. So many of us ignore our responsibility in these matters:
Mat 18:15] "If your brother sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.  If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.  If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.”

I’m sure after having gone to him alone, with two people, and then contacting the bishop, the last stage would not be necessary. 

Hope this helps.  It should.  It comes from God’s Word.  God bless, Fr. Amaro

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Father Amaro:

I was wondering if there was a patron saint for self-injurers?  I am a recovering cutter. Also, do you know of any Catholic books on this topic?  Thanks. - Trina

Dear Trina,

I have never heard of any particular saint for this particular cause.  But as I tell my parishioners, “Prayer without participation is merely wishful thinking.”  Wheat doesn’t become bread on its own.  It takes human participation.  Grapes don’t become wine on their own.  It takes human participation.  Those items are the things we offer at mass to represent how we participate with God. I n your particular situation, God has provided you with help.  Yes, there is good medical help for people with your affliction.   As you go through treatment, you’ll find prayers being answered because you will be participating with those prayers.  You are not the only one in the world who has suffered from this.  Don’t ever be embarrassed about going to the doctor.   That’s like the person who’s embarrassed about going to confession.   Priests go to confession too.  We all have afflictions.  We all participate in healing.  God bless, Fr. Amaro

Father Amaro:

Can an infant who is raised by 2 homosexual parents be baptized? The parents are Catholic and attend mass on a regular basis. - Rob

Dear Rob,

Yes, this is a difficult question, but there is no “pat” answer. Ideally, parents must be living the faith to embrace its responsibility for the child. But let’s not leave it just in the realm of homosexuality. There are many couples who are not sacramentally married, maybe only living together without even the legal recognition of marriage. Fundamentally, there is no difference. Parents are the first teachers of their children. What the parent does also teaches the child. A parent who really loves a child would not expose that child to anything that would compromise the child’s salvation and understanding of God’s command, “You shall not commit adultery.” A loving parent would not rationalize his or her own sins before a child or “normalize” them. We are called to live above what is normal. Sin is normal. We want to be above the norm.

On the other hand, it may be a good pastoral decision to allow the baptism of the child. It might be a good catechetical tool to re-convert the parents. After all, there are two parents of this child. The question must be asked, “Why do the homosexual couple want to have the child baptized?” “Will there be any practicing Catholics who live the faith in the child’s’s life? Many questions can flow from there. A smart priest or deacon can take the responsibility from there.  God bless, Fr. Amaro

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Dear Father Amaro:

Why should I follow God when all He ever has done is disappointed me and kept me miserable? - Greg

Dear Greg:

This is so similar to Adam and Eve. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. No one took on personal responsibility.

In our world, when we can’t find an answer, it’s easy to blame God. When someone dies, it’s God’s will. When someone gets in an accident, it’s God’s will. Poor God! Everything gets blamed on him. If we can’t blame God, we find someone to sue. It’s never ending.

No one “makes” us miserable. We make our own choices in life. There are many people who live in discomfort and poverty who are happy. We can find all sorts of things that aren’t’ going our way and find ways to blame God. The fact of the matter is that we participate with what God has given us. He gave us our bodies, the air we breathe, the ability to learn. God has already done his part. He even gave us a way to have our sins forgiven.  Why would anyone else think that God owes us anything else?

Before you start blaming God, ask yourself how you participate with what he has given you?  Do you continually learn?  Do you work hard for your living?  Do you confess your sins?  Do you received the Blessed Sacrament regularly?  Do you even know how the Blessed Sacrament works in your life?

God has provided all the tools.  We can’t blame him if we’ve made the choice not to use them.  Jesus is the Truth, the Way, and the Life!  Be truthful.  Don’t play the blame game.  It is what brought sin into the world in the first place.  God bless, Fr. Amaro

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Father Amaro:

When a person is a victim of past abuse from clergy how do they get relief when the crime (past statue of limitations)is never brought to court?  How can they trust their local priest/nuns?  This is not a rare problem in New England. - NE

Dear NE,

First of all, I’m very saddened that you had to experience abuse, whether from a priest or any other baptized person.  I won’t say that I understand your pain, because that would be blaspheming the reality of it.  You show great courage in coming out with the problem and the damage it has caused you.  Pain is incredibly burdensome.  I am so sorry you have to carry that particular burden.

For years, victims were treated like they were the criminals. When a woman was raped, it was her fault.  When a child was abused, he or she was lying.  Society has bent so easily to voluntary ignorance.   If someone had a Downs Syndrome child, it was locked away in a home.  We had a need to make everything appear like Ozzy and Harriet. Unfortunately, the Church, which is made up of  people from society were no different. You might remember a case in which a very popular pianist was accused of being a homosexual in a popular publication.   He sued and won a great deal of money for deformation of character.  Many years later he died. The truth came out.  His homosexual lover sued for part of his estate.  None of the estate was returned to the reporter.  Interesting, huh?   That’s the difference between how it “was” then, and how it “is” now.

Your abuser statistically was probably a victim of abuse himself.  It is very problematic. In his day, he probably had no recourse to treatment or counseling.   And chances are, no one cared for him or his victims properly.  Today’s dioceses are much more attuned to the problem of abuse.

Whether the statute of limitations has run out or not, the crime should be reported to the diocese.  If the priest is still living, there are still ways that the church can and will deal with him.  Others need to be protected from him.  If he has died, he needs lots of prayers, for he may not have had any repentance.  Abusers often lack the resources to recognize their actions as criminal or sinful.

In any event, you cannot change what has happened in the past.  That’s just a fact of life and very hard to hear, I’m sure.  However, you can make a difference, a big difference,  in the future by helping to educate parents and other priests to become aware of the tactics of predators so they will be recognized.  You can get involved with your civil government to make sure that people can be made aware of predators in their areas so that children will be protected.

If you find yourself as a victim wanting to make more victims through irregular urges or through punishing innocent people as a substitution for the unreachable perpetrator, get help to sort it all out.  It is so unfortunate see and victims, whether they are the original victims of the original crime, or the ones that come afterwards who have the moneys they donate for the cause of the Gospel stolen through lawsuits or have their parishes closed just because “it’s legal.”  That is re-vicitmizing.”  That is no more moral than the original crime.  It is still a form of perpetration and making  more of   the innocent into more victims.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.   We must remember.  We must always remember!  It is through remembering that errors are not repeated.  Criminals and sick people should be placed in the proper institutions, whether they committed a crime directly, or have participated by protecting and allowing the victimizing of the innocent to continue through ignoring the problem.  There is a great responsibility in keeping the innocent protected. This means to continue to protect the innocent and good priests and bishops, of which there are many, as well as the innocent lay person in the pew.  Don’t forget them either. Be just. Be Godly just!  God knows and teaches what is just.  Be one of the children who actually follows his ways.  God bless, Father Amaro

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FATHER MATTHEW KOWALSKI

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Father Matthew:

I would like to know if there is a better alternative to Hospice?  I'm concerned that Hospice is about Euthanasia.  Thank you for your time.  - Martha

Dear Martha: